Yesterday, I had a very cute Thai girl stick a tube up my ass while she was massaging my gut. Gotta love this country.
After having read of the fabled coffee enema years ago, it was now time for Niamh and myself to undergo the ceremony ourselves. Unfortunately, we were not allowed a coffee cleansing, having to opt for a saline solution instead.
Newbies aren’t considered to be ready for the intimacy of a coffee enema.
Having slipped out of my clothes, into a gown, I had to sit on a cross between a hospital bed and one of those machines doctors use to check up on pregnant women. A very cute Thai girl lubed up a rubber tube and plonked it in my ass. Over the next hour, no less than 25 liters of water was going to be pumped into my hind quarters.
No, though I was a bit worried at first, you don’t get all 25 liters stuffed up your colon in one go. The idea is to try and keep two liters or so ‘in’, at a time, after which you’re supposed to push all the stuff out from your colon. Yes, basically, you have to shit on the bed.
The bed has a hole right under your ass, which collects the shit, which is then led through a transparent tube from under the bed, alongside the bed, until it disappears behind you. A mirror allows you to see what’s running away from between your legs and, if you look next to you, you can see everything running passed you again. Indeed, this is kinda gross.
After about twenty liters, some stomach cramps later, which were nicely massaged away by said cute girl, I was ready to go home. The whole process is very tiring, but, perhaps surprisingly, does feel like a bit of a release. I had to sit through another five liters before I could wrestle myself free from the tube, which was followed by me sitting on the toilet for another 15 minutes, emptying my gut. By the time I got back to the lounge, Niamh, slightly worried for my long absence, had been waiting for me for a good twenty minutes.
Though ‘my’ girl was very cute, Niamh’s was a bit more practical. She told her we were not supposed to drink alcohol or eat fish or spicy foods for the next day or so. Apparently, they upset the colon more than most.
Of course, this was not likely to happen. To start with, we enjoyed an excellent salmon benedict at Smoothy Blues.
Niamh’s girl also told her she shouldn’t expect a stool on Sunday. I of course excreted a big one right after getting out of bed the next day.
“Freedom is not free. The veterans gave it to you.”
It also being the fourth of July, the American consulate was celebrating America’s birthday again, this time at the municipal stadium, I suppose for more room.
The hot dogs were better this year, but I opted for a spicy chicken burger from McDonalds, who had set up shop on the grounds. Decent beers and, like last year, a pie eating contest.
Unfortunately too late to sign up for the pie eating, I managed to squeeze in, with a bit of help from Felicia, to the watermelon eating contest. Each participant getting a wedge, the person to first finish the wedge winning the contest. I finished over two minutes before the second place contestant.
Indeed, you are reading the blog of the watermelon eating contest winner of the American fourth of July celebrations in Chiang Mai, Thailand. How does that make you feel?
I originally had wanted to get in on my Iranian passport, after America had opened invitations for its annual celebrations across the world for Iranian diplomats. However, last week, these invitations were retracted, supposedly after the unrest following the Iranian elections.
In the end, it wasn’t necessary to show any ID, as we all walked straight in. The celebrations were less patriotic as the year before, but the evening’s ending with a prayer, followed by some idiot claiming that freedom was giving by veterans was a bit too much.
I really don’t think that Americans fighting in Vietnam, Korea or Iraq have given any freedom to the Americans staying at home.
Afterwards, an American party at the reasonable Martini bar, where Obamartinis were going for 120 baht and a sheesha was a respectable 200 baht, was followed by the surprise of the evening: Fabrique at the slightly dodgy looking President hotel.
Pascal and Todd had left us at the Martini bar to, ehm, regroup, so Niamh and myself sandwiched Felicia on my bike to drive to the President, where we found a huge traffic jam, a completely jam-packed car park and lots of half drunken teenage Thais. In short: quite a promise.
From outside, we could see hot gogo dancers dancing on what seemed to be tables in the restaurant area. With free entrance and rather energetic dancing, this looked better than Star Six. Leaving the restaurant/club behind us, we walked on, passed marble columns and fancy couches, to be stopped by a girl selling us entry tickets as a farang tax. Felicia, considered Thai, was left alone. Some debating later, we forked out the 4 euro, which included a free drink and walked on to the main, totally packed, dance area.
Then, pushing through to the bar, we ordered a gin and tonic, after which we were promptly escorted to a separate area, behind the dance hall. Outside again, in what turned out to be probably the classiest lounge area in Chiang Mai, we sipped on a few drinks and gobbled up some snacks before heading home, passing a live band playing in the dance hall to a berzerking crowd.
Of course, just like Spicy or the Van, Fabrique most likely is owned by a high level cop.
The Dutch are coming
Last Thursday, the Dutch-club-in-Chiang-Mai-to-be came together for its kickoff meeting. Also, the first honorary Dutch consul to Chiang Mai was going to be presented. However, because his vetting isn’t finalized yet, both the Dutch queen and the Thai king still have to approve, he couldn’t give a proper speech in his capacity as honorary consul and, as a result, only briefly said ‘hi’. Turned out, it’s the prominent hasher Dyke Converter, who can always be trusted to, when called onto the ice, to do so bare-back.
Can I get up please?
Probably the best way for keeping track of your website uptime is Are my sites up? Having commercial packages available, their free account, supporting up to five websites, rocks.
Hardware and music
I recently bought a new external hard drive. As a result, I’m moving some stuff around as well as consolidating some very old photos. Hence the few oldies which have recently appeared in my photostream on Flickr. Also, with these uploads, the total number of photos I host on Flickr has now surpassed 16000. Similarly, the photos on my hard drive now number over 75000.
Likewise, I’ve got about 18000 songs.
A recent study showed that a quarter of South African men admitted to having raped a woman.